Welcome "So kate" lovers to a new anecdote from Violett in which this time, I hope, will be shorter than others I have written but just as funny.
This time I would like to tell you about the first time I dared to go out on the street as a girl 7 years ago (I must have been about 23 at the time) and the story that I will never forget in my life.
I was thinking for a long time that I needed to live the experience of going out on the street dressed as a girl, wanting to go totally unnoticed as one of the girls and to live the adrenaline feeling that the first time emerges inside you. But like most first time experiences I have been told about, I was very afraid of being recognisable in my old neighbourhood and found it difficult to take that step.
Reflecting over the years, I have come to the conclusion that the very essence of fear lies in the unknown, in the uncertainty that lies beyond our self-imposed limits. It whispers in our ear with insecurities and cultivates anxiety that paralyses us. Fear makes us prisoners of our own apprehensions, locking us in a cage where dreams fade. This is why overcoming the first barrier is essential to realise that with a minimum of good feminine aesthetics and courage, people and society don't give a shit about you and you can pass for a girl without anyone looking at you or judging you. Obviously this has been my experience, but the first few times you have to be brave and self-confident enough to take the plunge.
After getting philosophical, in my mind I already had it idealised, I had even programmed the route I was going to take to feel comfortable (as if by choosing a route that I knew like the back of my hand, I would be able to go out more relaxed). Evidently I was wrong.
At that time my feminine appearance was not refined, it was not polished and seeing now photos of that time I ask myself how I could go out on the street with those clothes, that make-up and those heels? The truth is that seeing how you have evolved over time fills you with comfort and self-esteem, because it is also important to give yourself courage and appreciate the courage you had so that today I can exercise my freedom with confidence.
I remember that I woke up in the morning determined but nervous, and I told my girlfriend that I was going to take the plunge. My girlfriend didn't see it clearly at the time, but she fully supported me and encouraged me to try the experience.
I don't remember exactly why, but I remember that on Friday I had no school, and then it became clear in my mind: it was time to go out on Thursday night in the Retiro area. Evidently the flow of people on a Thursday at 00:00 was going to be very limited and that was to my advantage. Little by little any doubts I might have had were disappearing.
I decided to use the only look I had at that time, a black dress from the firm "Blanco", with a flying skirt made of a fabric that was similar to neoprene but more breathable, which I gave to my girl shortly after I started dating her and in the end, I ended up using it more than she did.
So, I decided to wear transparent stockings after having shaved my legs so as not to look like a Wookie from the planet KashyyykI wore a light brown wig with long hair that didn't look bad but had a low quality, some clip-on earrings, a small dark handbag and a rather dubious make-up, which at least covered the beard areas and minimally concealed my masculine features. In fact, I don't even remember if I wore eye shadow, I suppose I must have done something very basic (of course we're not even talking about eyeliner).
The jackpot was that I decided to wear my black peep toe ankle strap heels, red sole, 16cm heel, 4cm platform and crossed over the instep of the foot, an absolute fantasy but obviously not in my favour.
But I know what you're thinking, it's crazy in retrospect, as it clashes head-on with the idea of "going unnoticed", but at the time, I was young and not very conscious when it came to making this kind of decision. You could say that I let myself be carried away by my dreams, by the idyllic idea of daring and by the morbid desire to experience different sensations.
I came down the stairs of my block very scared, panicking that a neighbour might recognise me or come out to throw out the rubbish. So I hurried down the stairs as fast as I could in those incredible heels and out the door. I remember that it was very windy (our natural enemy) and that the leaves of the trees were falling and moving around.
I left the doorway and to my peace of mind, there was no one in the street so I could reach the main road of Retiro without any problem after a few minutes walking and crossing streets with my back upright "top model" style and with a feeling of being unstoppable. It was wonderful, full of adrenaline and fear at the same time, but it made me feel alive.
When I crossed the empty main streets, there were only taxis and the taxi drivers would stare at me inside their cars. This made me very uncomfortable and suspicious but in retrospect I was not at all surprised by their stares, as this was quite a conspicuous outfit for a Thursday street walk.
Although nowadays, if the same thing happened to me I would be very upset, I understand perfectly the unfortunate reaction of the taxi drivers and I have to say that if I had to make the same decision with the experience I already have, I would have changed several things that would have softened the look much more, decreasing the feeling of exposure.
So here comes the anecdote: as I was walking along the pavement next to the Retiro gate, a Madrid local police car passed by on patrol. So I continued on my way without worrying, as my intention was to go around the neighbourhood next door and return home shortly afterwards.
It is here that I continue walking a few metres and I see the police car coming again (it had gone around the neighbourhood), but this time at a much reduced speed. I also notice that the windows are down, and that the pair of policemen are staring at me through the window closest to me and accompany me with the car for a few metres, both policemen staring at me.
At this point I was in shock, and didn't know what to do, so I decided to look straight ahead as if they weren't following me in shock. They were probably debating whether I was a boy or something worse. The feeling of discomfort they generated in me was tremendous, and every time I think back it makes my hair stand on end. After 2 or 3 minutes in slow motion next to me, they must have realised that I was a person like any other and just a guy dressed as a girl, so they rolled up their windows and sped off. Those two or three minutes were for me like half an hour, I could feel my heartbeat accelerate as if my instinct was detecting danger. At that moment my mind was just thinking: please don't talk to me, don't ask me questions and don't make it worse for me.
This episode automatically cut me off, as it made me much more paranoid about everything in general and accentuated the feeling that everyone was staring at me in the street, laughing at me or something similar. So I decided to go back home because I didn't feel comfortable and I didn't really know what had happened. I remember that I cut through the Ibiza neighbourhood and continued on my way home.
At that moment I learnt a good lesson and that is that if you have the possibility, wear flat shoes for what could happen because the ride took forever and it is one thing to have a lot of driving walking at home with high heels to walk 1 and a half hours with 16 cm heels with nervousness and insecurity. But don't worry, it took me years to accept that conclusion even though I was aware of it that very day. That's the thing about going outside and experiencing the feeling of freedom as long as you can do it.
Perhaps many people, having had such a bitter first experience as I had, would have recoiled or been afraid to go out on the streets, but I decided to be brave and keep trying, because generally speaking, I felt good about myself, knowing that I had overcome myself and had been able to break certain mental barriers of many years.
That first time opened the doors to a new world for me, which I knew I wanted to know, feel and experience in the healthiest way possible, trying to support my partner, going unnoticed but enjoying my femininity always as a glam queen.
Feel free to be who you are - crossdresser.co.uk (01/18/24) - Violett
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